How do I keep boundaries with someone

Set limits in a relaxed and relaxed manner

Personal boundaries are important. They protect us from badly treated, taken advantage of or ripped off to become.

They help us to walk through the world with our heads held high and assert ourselves, if that should be necessary.

Limits are individual. Where one person hits the ceiling completely, someone else stays completely relaxed.

They are not automatic good or bad. First of all, you are neutral.

Borders can even contradict one another. A person finds it inappropriate to be touched directly by strangers.

Someone else thinks the greeting is outrageous distant to be treated.

Precisely for this reason there are boundaries Potential for conflict. That is why many people find it difficult to set limits. You are afraid of conflict and interpersonal tension.

Then they prefer to subordinate themselves To offend fear.

But "Yes" - say although you don't want it always means "No" - say to you.

Others are often more important to us than ourselves. That is not bad per se. Helpfulness and openness are part of it good social interaction to.

Unfortunately, chronic submission has a lot more to do with one poor self-esteem and lack of self-respect than to do with charity and selflessness.

Table of Contents: This is what awaits you in this article

What does it mean to be able to set limits

First of all, let's clarify what it means to be able to set limits.

To set limits means "No" or "Stop" to be able to say.

It means, to know your values and to stand up for them.

It means that you have a clear picture of what people can and cannot do with you - and that too enforced.

It means knowing exactly what you are ready to do for others and what not.

Unfortunately, this is exactly what many people find much more difficult than it should for the following reasons.

Why we can't set any limits

1. Fear of rejection

We humans are pack animals. Social inclusion is vital for us. Because of this, we are very scared of being rejected by the group.

In earlier times that would have meant death.

That is why we are often cautious in social situations. We often prefer to back off rather than let someone else no longer like.

We don't want from others as selfish, mean, or inconsiderate be accused.

We're afraid that they won't like us anymore. But today, being expelled from the group is no longer life-threatening.

The opposite is often the case.

If we confident and calm Setting limits leads to more stability in the group.

Subliminal conflicts can do so do not arise in the first place and poison the atmosphere.

2. Fear of conflict

However, in today's society, conflict is seen as something fundamentally negative viewed.

Conflicts should be better avoided.

They are perceived as uncomfortable or even dangerous. We are more willing to be humiliated "to swallow" or accepting exploitation as standing up for our limits and thus risking conflict.

Even if we always find a reason to us to gloss over this behavior - We do not cheat our subconscious.

Every incongruity, no matter how small, registers. Inwardly, tension builds up. Our self-esteem is damaged.

It also draws energy away from us, because the humiliation continues to circulate in our consciousness for weeks.

On the other hand is a sensible use of the "Opposite side" hardly possible anymore. There is such a charge within us that we either blow up or avoid this person out of fear.

Sometimes it happens because of the biggest little things to the scandal. We freak out completely over the top and damage ourselves and the relationship with our counterpart rather than clarifying anything.

If we had set a limit directly, we would have risked a conflict. But this would be significantly less dramatic than the charged situation we are in now.

Little hint: Whenever you complain to someone about others, is there Charge on these people. Ask yourself where did this person break a line of yours. Then take all your courage and communicate it to that person.

3. The urge to please

If we want to please everyone, then we want to please others.

We are afraid of someone talks bad about us. We want to prevent people from thinking we are lazy, selfish, or inconsiderate.

We want recognition.

This addiction to recognition results from one poor self-esteem. We always want confirmation from outside when we cannot give it to ourselves.

Because we think we would be worth little. We believe we should have this value prove again and again.

By the way, how important can we take our limits if we think we are worth less?

In this way we all speak by our mouths and avoid border conflicts. Here we are taking too great a risk to be rejected.

In the long run, we harm ourselves and our relationships with others. In addition, we are always subordinate. So we want to please more and more and have more and more difficulties to maintain our limits.

How you can learn to set boundaries

1. A high self-esteem as a basis

In order to consistently set boundaries and stand up for them, you have to benefit from your Worth as a person be convinced.

You have to know very clearly inside that your limits worth protecting and important are.

Be the most important person in your life.

It has nothing to do with selfishness. Who is too selfless and gives up for others, harms itself in the process.

So that you have to take care of others honestly and lovingly without a false sense of duty, you first have to take care of yourself.

If you don't do this beforehand, communication on an equal footing will not be possible. You will help because you think you have to help others, not because you really want to.

2. Become aware of your limits

To truly stand up for your limits, you need to know them first.

Sounds logical?

I'm sure a lot of people have never met before conscious thoughts have made beyond their limits.

We are beyond many of our limits unaware. But if they are exceeded, we are guaranteed to notice.

Immediately make up an uncomfortable feeling in us wide. We get tense. Anger or even despair set in.

2.1 Questions to get to know your limits

To find out your personal limits, ask yourself:

  • When was the last time you had the feeling defend yourself to have to?
  • When was the last time you regretted doing something you did actually didn't want to do?
  • What was the last human behavior you debated with someone else? complained?

Questions like this give an indication of your limits. Finding them out is the first step in standing up for them. To go one step deeper ask yourself:

  • What are your values ​​and beliefs?

2.2 Values ​​and Beliefs

What your limits look like is closely linked to your values. As already described at the beginning, limits are individual.

If privacy is a high value of yours, someone will cross your line by visiting you unannounced. If socializing is more important to you, you will be happy about it.

In the second case no border was crossed, in the first it was. So ask yourself what your values ​​are.

  • What is important to you in life?
  • What would I miss?
  • What do I want to change in the world?
  • What should people do more often?

These questions will give you a good idea of ​​what your values ​​are. When they are hurt, people break one of your boundaries.

2.3 Where and when are your limits disregarded

In the next step, find out in which situations you are being exploited. This will help you identify the areas where action is most urgent.

Ask yourself about this:

  • What was the situation like?
  • What are your feelings
  • What were you afraid of?
  • What did you think?
  • What was the trigger?
  • What negative consequences did you have in your head?

2.4 Let go of the stressful emotions

If people tolerate the crossing of boundaries for years, then they can piling up a lot of cargo.

If you are looking for an article about setting limits then I can imagine that you have had enough. Maybe you are angry or disappointed.

When we start to set more boundaries, we often overreact at the beginning.

We look for confrontation with everyone or generally hit a hard one first "NO" Out.

Out of anger or insecurity let's shoot over the target.

In the best case we make ourselves a little ridiculous, in the worst case we cause great harm to people.

I understand you: You want something different and no more let do everything to you. This is very brave and will change your life.

Nevertheless, be aware of this charge. See if you have strong emotions and let go of them beforehand (You can find out how to do this in my article on letting go).

3. The most important mindset for setting limits

Always assume that other people are not fundamentally angry. They are also often unconscious. Nobody is perfect.

Many are looking for an easy way to live.

After all, you made it very easy for them with your behavior. Of course that serves not as an excusebut be sorry.

With this mindset you prevent yourself from rushing to others gross allegations do (and in the worst case not even utter them) and so poison your relationship.

Everyone tries to be happy.

At the same time, nobody is perfect. That is why some people's attempts are made certainly not optimal.Therefore, show compassion even when it is difficult.

With this mindset, there are a lot of limits more sovereign put.

4. Communicate appropriately

When someone has swallowed humiliation for years and systematically exploited them, the first set of boundaries can be a little bumpy.

Perhaps he is still acting a little too timidly or is shooting abruptly beyond his goal.

So communicate friendly but determined.

Most people respect your boundaries when you follow them show friendly.

Even if you show compassion and show the other person that you respect their needs, you can defuse many situations.

Your counterpart will then just as understand your limit and you will find a solution together that appropriate for both is.>

5. Communicate clearly instead of fooling around

Clear boundaries make it easy to respect them. When no one knows exactly what they can and cannot afford with you, your limits become much easier accidentally trespass.

So calmly but clearly make it clear what works and what doesn't. In the best case, before a situation gets out of hand.

Make it a rule for you to have a topic no later than then speak to you when it is you 3x annoyed. So you can prevent yourself from feeling like this over time get inthat out of sheer pent-up anger, neutral communication is no longer possible.

6. Start small

When setting limits, start small. At the beginning, look for situations that don't take you straight to 180.

There shouldn't be too much anger built up in these situations.

7. A part-no does too

There is not just black and white. You don't always have to hit the table with your fist and break all the bridges behind you.

Sometimes a partial no can be enough. Suppose someone keeps asking you if you want to help them. This person is important to you and you want to help, but you have to reduce your own goals.

One possibility would be to give this person a fixed time frame. You tell her that you like to help her, but after 30 minutes have to get back to your chores.

8. Stand to your limit

Some people will try to put pressure on the lacrimal gland. Especially when they are have been relying on you for a long time.

Maybe they threaten you too. They imply that they are the Break off contact with you want or are terribly disappointed in you.

Don't let yourself be blackmailed or put under pressure. Stand to your limit. If you're sure you don't want to do something, then endure this storm too.

It will be worth it and you more self-determined and self-confident do.

Possible negative consequences of borders

Limits that are too narrow can also have a negative impact on our lives. Boundaries shouldn't lead to us a huge protective wall to build us up.

Then we quickly become lonely for fear of someone else hurt or cheat.

Therefore, also look at how limits may restrict you. There's no point in rushing through life tense and ready to fight in constant fear that someone might violate our limits.

Our goal is to be clear though loving and relaxed To set limits.

Nothing is set in stone

Borders are not set in stone.

There is always the possibility to soften your own boundaries. You can always choose to be lenient.

But always make sure that you do it because you want it, not because someone else has put you under emotional pressure.

/ 0 Comments / by Tim Hamer